Show Wrap-Up - November 19, 2010

On the last show

Kide was in studio and he told us that he built an outhouse in his yard. Its great because the smell keeps away criminals. I like having Kide on the show as he makes me feel like the Fonz when he is around.

We had Finance Minister Colin Hansen on to talk about the claims that Gordon Campbell was a bully as a Premier. Hansen said that Campbell is a great man and wants him back. When asked about his black eye Hansen claimed he “fell down some stairs”

Tommy Carson came on and told us that he endorsed Barry the Hobbit for Victoria Council because of his fiscal responsibility platform, anti bridge stance and because he was a midget. I informed Tommy that his name was Barry Hobbis and not Barry the Hobbit, Tommy took back his endorsement because he wants to see more midgets, dwarfs and guys with the Gary Coleman disease in politics because little people make him laugh.

Council candidate Cameron Paign discussed his main campaign issue - smelly buses. He would eliminate bus stink by instituting a class system in which on Double Decker buses, the upper deck would be considered first class and cost more, but be stink free. Apparently public transportation stink was not an issue with the electorate as Paign only received 4 votes in Saturday's election.

Our last guest was an angry Mayor Dean who threatened that if the people did not vote Yes in Saturday's election to build a new bridge, he would personally destroy the old bridge by taking out the bolts and vandalizing it until "that piece of rusts falls into the ocean so I can get my Fortin Memorial Bridge"

Next show - November 26th - Mayor Dean gloats about winning the vote to borrow 50 million to build a new bridge.

Show wrap-up – September 24th

On our Last show...

Elliott Otto, the Managing General Partner of Programming Relations, was on the show asking about my dad. The previous week my dad got a hernia while listening to the show and Otto was worried that soundwaves from the show may have caused the hernia. Actually Otto was concerned that my dad may sue the station and since the "hostage taking" the station has no money. I assured him that my dad has no plans to sue the station as he is too busy with his ongoing lawsuit against the CBC for cancelling The King of Kensington.

Otto was in a good mood because he has a new girlfriend. "She's a perfect 10 - except for the third hand" Apparently she was born with a second hand on her right arm that doesn't actually work but just kind of hangs there. As Otto says, "Its kind of gross looking and it sounds like she is clapping when she walks but she makes a great potato salad so at least I got that going for me"
Our next guest was Tommy Carson.

On Friday there was a promotion called Wakeupvictoria in which businesses in downtown Victoria gave free coffee to workers as a thanks for their support. Tommy saw this as an opportunity to make money so he got a bunch of old gas cans (which were cleaned in AC Crunch’s dishwasher) and gathered up the Tamil migrants he helped smuggle into the country. They went to every shop that was part of the promotion, filled the gas cans and then drove to Langford to sell the coffee out of the trunk of Tommy’s Cadillac. Even though the thought of buying old coffee out of an old gas can sounds disgusting, I bet it still tastes better than Starbucks.

Our last guest on the show was William Kahne (this was a weird story - even for our show)

Kahne was walking down the street in his town of Ontario, California when he saw William Shatner. He was there filming a Priceline.com commercial. Kahne is a big fan of Shatner and yelled, “Hey Shatner, want a donut?” Kahne just came from a Krispy Kreme and had a dozen donuts and wanted to give one to Shatner.

Unfortunately Kahne has a speech impediment and Shatner thought he was calling him “Fatner”. Shatner got mad and said “I am not fat and I can easily do 100 pushups right now you skinny boob!”. He got to 8 pushups and started convulsing on the ground. Kahne panicked and started tasering Shatner because he thought it would start his heart. The tasering may have helped as Shatner did stop convulsing (but it also caused Shatner to have an “accident” in his pants) After Shatner recovered consciousness, he threatened to make Kahne's life "more miserable than a Klingon with diarreaha" Kahne now claims that Shatner is stalking him by waiting outside his house with a TJ Hooker like billy club. Kahne is now scared and has not left his house in two months and buys everything he needs off of eBay - including canned beans.


On our next show (October 1st) – BURTON CUMMINGS STOLE MY RIDING LAWN MOWER (and my girlfriend)

Bowling on Friday

Its been a long time since I blogged. Time flies when you're an alcoholic.

On our next show we will be live in Laughlin, Nevada at the Penny Lanes Bowl as part of Tommy Carson's Phoneless NOT Homeless campaign to give free cell phones to the homeless. Tommy is organizing a 9.5 hour bowling marathon to help raise funds for this worthy campaign. After the success of Tommy's Drunkfess for the Homeless, he is once again helping the down and out by giving them phones so they don't have to live with the shame of not being able to text/call their bff's

We will also be interviewing a CRD Hartland Dump representative about the possiblility of the CRD instituting an environmental levy on produce peels and meat/chicken bones.

Thanks to Kide from the show Armenia Today who will be in the studio to make sure things go smoothly - if that is possible.

Craig

Show recap - September 25th

On our last show:

Mayor Dean came on the show and although he said the funding for the new bridge was "in the bag", the federal government denyed Victoria's request. The Mayor blamed that "toupee wearing Prime Minister" for not giving him the money and screamed, "You will all be sorry when I'm Premier" The mayor did assure the citizens of Victoria that although the funding did not come through, the plaque for the new bridge, with a picture of the mayor's face on it, has been completed and will be erected on schedule with or without a new bridge. The Mayors plan to get even with the federal government by having the citizens of victoria will pay for the whole thing

Tommy Carson joined us by phone and discussed attending the Green Party nomination of Elizabeth (or Lizzy as Tommy likes to call her) May last weekend. In spite of Tommy's assistance she won the nomination and is proud to be the Green Party candidate for Saanich and the Gulf Islands. That is until she loses badly again and will move to another riding for the next election. He had a good time with those "delusional environmentals" even though the bathroom was filthy and the buffett sucked so bad that Tommy never even stuffed food in his pocket to eat later. Tommy also let us in on a secret that he is in negotiations to become a spokesman for a new canned banana company. (Is there such thing as canned bananas)

Our last guest was Finance Minister Colin Hansen and he told us that most people are in favour of the new Harmonized Sales Tax and people opposed to it are "enemies of the government" and will be dealt with in due time. I asked him to explain why we sent five government beauracrats at a cost of $15,000 each to Europe to attend wine and beer festivals. Hansen said it was to improve B.C.'s image as he "explained" in this quote:

"The most popular tourist destinations are the UK and France and that is because they are encourage drinking. That's the only reason because there is nothing there but old buildings, boring countrysides and people with weird accents. The key to British Columbia's economic recovery is to show the world that we make the best wine and beer in the world and can outdrink any frenchman or gap toothed Brit"

Hansen says the United States recession was caused by their citizens inability to handle their liquor. "The world laughs at the U.S. because they are known for drinking Bud Light and making moonshine." He ended the interview by asking the citizens of British Columbia to stop worrying about the economy and let the "smart people" fix it

Show Summary - September 18

It was good show in my opinion as only two of our three guests ended up hanging up on me.

We had a surprise phone call from the Mayor of Victoria. Mayor Dean called to promote the website http://www.johnsonstreetbridge.com/ where citizens can view the three choices to replace the bridge. When I asked, "Why don't we just repair the current bridge and save tax dollars, the Mayor replied, "That is not an option." When I asked why it is not an option, he screamed, "I said it is not an option - move on boy" Mayor Dean also asked "his subjects" not to visit http://www.johnsonstreetbridge.org/ because it has "nothing but capitalist propaganda against my master plant" He also made it clear this is not some ego driven legacy project for him, although the new bridge will have a plaque with a lifesize picture of himself (4'11"). We hope the mayor is feeling better because he seemed to have some sort of nasal problem during the conversation.

Our second guest was Taylor MacIlleeny, new product advisor for Mountain Equipment Co-op. Due to "Global Warming" (apparently some people still believe in that) North America will be cooling down considerably so there is a need for warm multi use products. One of his products is a suit that you can urinate inside and the liquid will be circulated in the suit and keep you warm (like a wetsuit) although the urine will not touch your body due to a special foil polymer. You can then dispose of the urine later in an environmentally friendly manner. Honestly, I'd rather freeze than wear a pee suit.

Our last guest was IMAGINE, a guy who has dedicated his life to peace and John Lennon. He is so dedicated that he only says words that contain letters from the words "bedpeace" or "hairpeace". For example, he cannot say "John Lennon" so he only refers to him as "Mr. Lennon" IMAGINE is planning on coming to Victoria in November to put on a seminar to spread his campaign of "Peace through Sleep." The interview ended after I told him the joke, "What do lost hikers and Yoko Ono have in common? They both live on dead beatles." Apparently he thought that was offensive and hung up on me.

Next Show - September 25th - the return of Tommy Carson and Finance Minister "Handy and Handsome" Colin Hansen.

Interview Causes "Up With People" Member to Attempt Suicide

We are back. As Tommy Carson explained in his blog, never download a foot fetish video from Lou Spector. I think my computer got the swine flu as they had to send it to Japan to get the foot fetish virus fixed.

On our last show

We interviewed Tick Rothchild, the musical director for the legendary group Up With People live from Denver. Unfortunately, the interview didn’t go well. (My interviews never go well, but this was worse than most) I must have hit a nerve when I asked him if he ever got tired of being happy and positive all the time. Tick got angry and went on a rant saying that nobody likes positive music as evident by the fact that he does not make as much as Eminem and no woman wants to date a positive happy singer living in a van like him.

Later we got a call from another Up With People official who said Tick was on top of his van threatening to jump. That’s when I called in the best person I know who could help talk him down – Tommy Carson. Tommy has talked me down from a building many times so he knows what he is doing. Tommy got Tick to not to focus on his past failures, but to focus on getting revenge on all the people who screwed him. So if you are enemies of Tick expect to receive a bogus magazine subscription, a fake Craigslist ad with your phone number or a flaming bag of dog poo on your door.

Rod Stewart (or so he claimed) also called and apologized to his fan for cancelling his show in Victoria. He said he was getting over a cold and a scheduling conflict forced the show cancellation although he is still playing in Vancouver the next night. Stewart (or so he claimed) said it had nothing to do with poor ticket sales even though only 1000 people were willing to pay $200 to see Rod Stewart perform. When I enquired why don’t you release any new material anymore, Stewart (or so he said claimed) said, “the only new material I need is my wife. Penny Lancaster is younger than my daughter” Stewart (or so he said claimed) then started making weird sounds and I’m not sure if he was choking, laughing or having a stroke so I hung up the phone.

See you Friday, hopefully there will not be any more suicide attempts.

Craig

David Suzuki puts a “Nature Hit” out on me

I've done many interviews, but this was the first time a guest threatened my life. I've been threatened with violence many times, but nobody has uttered the phrase "take you out" until last week.

On our last show I interviewed Dr .David Suzuki. On a side note, do real doctors get upset because they have the same title as Environmental Alarmists? I mean you have a heart surgeon who saves lives for a living called a doctor and you have a guy who is a professional fundraiser who preaches unproven global warming myths also called a doctor. Anyway “Dr” Suzuki did not like me questioning his theories and the interview got a little heated. This is the transcript from the last part of the interview.

Suzuki: I don’t like your attitude, and more importantly nature does not like your attitude. So when you go outside you better watch it because an eagle, a rabbit or a cougar may take you out if you know what I mean.
Craig: Are you putting a nature hit on me?
Suzuki: I know nature and nature has a karma like way to get even with non believers.
Craig: What are you like Aquaman? You talk telepathically to the animals?
Suzuki: Aquaman is made up. But Global Warming is real and people who do not believe are crazy bad people.
Craig: What was the deal with Aquaman anyway? Talking to fish and squid are neat, but if a crime is committed on land he is kind of useless. As long as you stay in Las Vegas you don’t have to worry about Aquaman.

At that point Suzuki started choking on a granola bar and hung up on me. I think he started choking on purpose because he didn’t want to answer my tough questions about global warming and Aquaman.

I will be away this Friday and will return on April 17th. Tommy Carson is taking me to Seattle for the Mariners first game of the season. Tommy somehow befriended a couple of executives at Exxon and they gave him Suite tickets for the game. I wasn’t going to go until I heard Tommy say, “free beer in the suite”.