Show recap - September 25th

On our last show:

Mayor Dean came on the show and although he said the funding for the new bridge was "in the bag", the federal government denyed Victoria's request. The Mayor blamed that "toupee wearing Prime Minister" for not giving him the money and screamed, "You will all be sorry when I'm Premier" The mayor did assure the citizens of Victoria that although the funding did not come through, the plaque for the new bridge, with a picture of the mayor's face on it, has been completed and will be erected on schedule with or without a new bridge. The Mayors plan to get even with the federal government by having the citizens of victoria will pay for the whole thing

Tommy Carson joined us by phone and discussed attending the Green Party nomination of Elizabeth (or Lizzy as Tommy likes to call her) May last weekend. In spite of Tommy's assistance she won the nomination and is proud to be the Green Party candidate for Saanich and the Gulf Islands. That is until she loses badly again and will move to another riding for the next election. He had a good time with those "delusional environmentals" even though the bathroom was filthy and the buffett sucked so bad that Tommy never even stuffed food in his pocket to eat later. Tommy also let us in on a secret that he is in negotiations to become a spokesman for a new canned banana company. (Is there such thing as canned bananas)

Our last guest was Finance Minister Colin Hansen and he told us that most people are in favour of the new Harmonized Sales Tax and people opposed to it are "enemies of the government" and will be dealt with in due time. I asked him to explain why we sent five government beauracrats at a cost of $15,000 each to Europe to attend wine and beer festivals. Hansen said it was to improve B.C.'s image as he "explained" in this quote:

"The most popular tourist destinations are the UK and France and that is because they are encourage drinking. That's the only reason because there is nothing there but old buildings, boring countrysides and people with weird accents. The key to British Columbia's economic recovery is to show the world that we make the best wine and beer in the world and can outdrink any frenchman or gap toothed Brit"

Hansen says the United States recession was caused by their citizens inability to handle their liquor. "The world laughs at the U.S. because they are known for drinking Bud Light and making moonshine." He ended the interview by asking the citizens of British Columbia to stop worrying about the economy and let the "smart people" fix it

Show Summary - September 18

It was good show in my opinion as only two of our three guests ended up hanging up on me.

We had a surprise phone call from the Mayor of Victoria. Mayor Dean called to promote the website http://www.johnsonstreetbridge.com/ where citizens can view the three choices to replace the bridge. When I asked, "Why don't we just repair the current bridge and save tax dollars, the Mayor replied, "That is not an option." When I asked why it is not an option, he screamed, "I said it is not an option - move on boy" Mayor Dean also asked "his subjects" not to visit http://www.johnsonstreetbridge.org/ because it has "nothing but capitalist propaganda against my master plant" He also made it clear this is not some ego driven legacy project for him, although the new bridge will have a plaque with a lifesize picture of himself (4'11"). We hope the mayor is feeling better because he seemed to have some sort of nasal problem during the conversation.

Our second guest was Taylor MacIlleeny, new product advisor for Mountain Equipment Co-op. Due to "Global Warming" (apparently some people still believe in that) North America will be cooling down considerably so there is a need for warm multi use products. One of his products is a suit that you can urinate inside and the liquid will be circulated in the suit and keep you warm (like a wetsuit) although the urine will not touch your body due to a special foil polymer. You can then dispose of the urine later in an environmentally friendly manner. Honestly, I'd rather freeze than wear a pee suit.

Our last guest was IMAGINE, a guy who has dedicated his life to peace and John Lennon. He is so dedicated that he only says words that contain letters from the words "bedpeace" or "hairpeace". For example, he cannot say "John Lennon" so he only refers to him as "Mr. Lennon" IMAGINE is planning on coming to Victoria in November to put on a seminar to spread his campaign of "Peace through Sleep." The interview ended after I told him the joke, "What do lost hikers and Yoko Ono have in common? They both live on dead beatles." Apparently he thought that was offensive and hung up on me.

Next Show - September 25th - the return of Tommy Carson and Finance Minister "Handy and Handsome" Colin Hansen.

Interview Causes "Up With People" Member to Attempt Suicide

We are back. As Tommy Carson explained in his blog, never download a foot fetish video from Lou Spector. I think my computer got the swine flu as they had to send it to Japan to get the foot fetish virus fixed.

On our last show

We interviewed Tick Rothchild, the musical director for the legendary group Up With People live from Denver. Unfortunately, the interview didn’t go well. (My interviews never go well, but this was worse than most) I must have hit a nerve when I asked him if he ever got tired of being happy and positive all the time. Tick got angry and went on a rant saying that nobody likes positive music as evident by the fact that he does not make as much as Eminem and no woman wants to date a positive happy singer living in a van like him.

Later we got a call from another Up With People official who said Tick was on top of his van threatening to jump. That’s when I called in the best person I know who could help talk him down – Tommy Carson. Tommy has talked me down from a building many times so he knows what he is doing. Tommy got Tick to not to focus on his past failures, but to focus on getting revenge on all the people who screwed him. So if you are enemies of Tick expect to receive a bogus magazine subscription, a fake Craigslist ad with your phone number or a flaming bag of dog poo on your door.

Rod Stewart (or so he claimed) also called and apologized to his fan for cancelling his show in Victoria. He said he was getting over a cold and a scheduling conflict forced the show cancellation although he is still playing in Vancouver the next night. Stewart (or so he claimed) said it had nothing to do with poor ticket sales even though only 1000 people were willing to pay $200 to see Rod Stewart perform. When I enquired why don’t you release any new material anymore, Stewart (or so he said claimed) said, “the only new material I need is my wife. Penny Lancaster is younger than my daughter” Stewart (or so he said claimed) then started making weird sounds and I’m not sure if he was choking, laughing or having a stroke so I hung up the phone.

See you Friday, hopefully there will not be any more suicide attempts.

Craig

David Suzuki puts a “Nature Hit” out on me

I've done many interviews, but this was the first time a guest threatened my life. I've been threatened with violence many times, but nobody has uttered the phrase "take you out" until last week.

On our last show I interviewed Dr .David Suzuki. On a side note, do real doctors get upset because they have the same title as Environmental Alarmists? I mean you have a heart surgeon who saves lives for a living called a doctor and you have a guy who is a professional fundraiser who preaches unproven global warming myths also called a doctor. Anyway “Dr” Suzuki did not like me questioning his theories and the interview got a little heated. This is the transcript from the last part of the interview.

Suzuki: I don’t like your attitude, and more importantly nature does not like your attitude. So when you go outside you better watch it because an eagle, a rabbit or a cougar may take you out if you know what I mean.
Craig: Are you putting a nature hit on me?
Suzuki: I know nature and nature has a karma like way to get even with non believers.
Craig: What are you like Aquaman? You talk telepathically to the animals?
Suzuki: Aquaman is made up. But Global Warming is real and people who do not believe are crazy bad people.
Craig: What was the deal with Aquaman anyway? Talking to fish and squid are neat, but if a crime is committed on land he is kind of useless. As long as you stay in Las Vegas you don’t have to worry about Aquaman.

At that point Suzuki started choking on a granola bar and hung up on me. I think he started choking on purpose because he didn’t want to answer my tough questions about global warming and Aquaman.

I will be away this Friday and will return on April 17th. Tommy Carson is taking me to Seattle for the Mariners first game of the season. Tommy somehow befriended a couple of executives at Exxon and they gave him Suite tickets for the game. I wasn’t going to go until I heard Tommy say, “free beer in the suite”.

You People Make Me Sick!

So I was suspended over that “Murder Accusation” on our Fundrive show but at least I was happy that my audience called in and raised $5,150 to buy new equipment for the station – or so I thought. We had 43 people call in with pledges during our show, but apparently some of them were fake pledges called in by a prankster. Okay maybe it was more than a few, more like EVERY CALL WAS A FAKE PLEDGE.

Apparently the likes of Dick Tater, Holden McGroin, Anita Bath, Sue Flockey and Hugh Jass are not real people.

So to summarize:

$5,150 in phone pledges
$5,150 in fake pledges
$0 - Total amount of donations raised by listeners to What The?

I am not sure if this was more than one person but to call 43 times in 43 different names in 90 minutes is impressive.

I don’t like to throw people under the bus, but shouldn’t the phone operators do some kind of checking the people who call in with pledges? Kide was one of the operators and he is my good friend but he is not “street wise” or "wise in any way" so I don't expect anything less but you think the other two operators would realize what was going on?

So here are a few more of the names:

A. Payne-Diaz, Turner Luce, Luciano Pavearoadi (come on, you didn’t even try on this one), Hugo First, Gladys Overwith, Isabelle Ringing, Noah Fence, Dick Rasche, Mary Lynn King, Kareem Pye, Felicity Shagwell, Oliver Klohsoff, Iyama Pharding, Billy Obama, Steven Harper Jr, David Puddy, Brock Lee, Parah Sallin, Lionel Hutz
All three members of Nirvana:
Kurt Cobain (I think the fact that he has been dead for ten years should have been given it away), Kris Novelselic, Dave Grohl

Lucky for the station the listeners of other shows are not quite as sick and demented as CFUV raised $25,934. Thank you other listeners of CFUV and I would like to thank the What The? Listener for NOTHING.

Dear Mr. Kennedy, "Sorry for calling you a murderer"

First off, thanks for donating your hard earned or stolen money to CFUV's annual Fundrive. This was What The?'s best year as the show raised over $5,000! The generosity of the What The? listener surprised me. Thank you and we promise not to bother you for another year.The great thing about doing a radio show is that I learn something every week. Elliott Otto the Station's M.G.P.o.P.R. informed me that you cannot accuse someone of murder on the air. Who new?

Well it all started last week when we were doing our Fundrive show. One of our regular callers - Timmy the Schizophrenic Psychic Medium called up and donated to the show. He randomly channels dead celebrities and they speak telepathically through him. At the time, I thought it was a good idea to put him live on the air. I was hoping he would channel someone like the Kurt Cobain or Jerry Lewis to help us push for donations. (Thanks to those who told me that Jerry Lewis is alive, it's just his career and view of reality that are dead). Unfortunately Timmy channelled Mary Jo Kopechne, the women who died in the 1969 car crash with Ted Kennedy. Timmy/Mary them went on a rant and accused Ted Kennedy of killing her and pleading with him to confess the crime before he "croaked and his murderous soul was sent to Hell to burn forever you heartless bastard". (Timmy/Mary's words not mine)

So with that….

We at What The? apologise for any accusations implicating Ted Kennedy in the murder of Mary Jo Kopechne. This was meant as mindless harmless fun and not meant to offend anyone. Mr. Kennedy was never charged with any killing/murderish like crime in the case and is therefore innocent in the eyes of the law and supporters of Mr. Kennedy who called the station to complain. We wish Ted Kennedy the best of luck in his health issues. Mr. Kennedy if you are reading this please cheer up because no matter how bad your health is, you still feel a lot better than Mary Jo Kopechne.

Unfortunately, because of this incident I was suspended for one week. The good thing is that we were not even scheduled next week as March 20 is the 24 hour Women's Radio Telethon. To quote Tommy Carson, "May the spirit of Gloria Steinem to Gloria Gaynor be with you"
So see you in two weeks as we return for a brand new season on March 27.

March 6 - One Week till Fundrive

Since Tommy Carson and Footbread Kenny now write blogs I thought it was time to start a show blog. I will discuss past shows, future shows and incomprehensible ramblings after I have been drinking.

March 13 - On a special episode of What The? we try to raise money for the station to buy new equipment as part of Fundrive week. So remember your good friends at CFUV and start saving or stealing for our once a year fundraising show. (Craig tip of the day: small bills are harder to trace so remember to ask for them at your next robbery)



But First, on our next show.



March 6

• Lalonde Goodenough of Goudenough Home Renovations will discuss the Home Show this weekend at Victoria's Memorial Arena. If quality is not important, Lalonde will provide drastically discounted and quick home renovations for the less discerning homeowner. As Lalonde says, "WHEN GOOD ENOUGH IS GOOD ENOUGH CALL GOODENOUGH HOME RENOVATIONS."


• Tommy Carson will discuss his Stagger for Sobriety charity run to help the homeless and his flirtation with actress Susan Dey on a recent trip to Seattle.

On our last show:

February 27

Thanks to Rodger Walters, cousin of Roger Watters, for calling us from London. (I think it was England but after hearing Rodger's accent it could have been London, Ontario). Rodger will be coming to Canada this summer as part of the Roger Waters Reality Tour. Rodger will give the dirt and all the inside stories about Roger Waters and members of Pink Floyd. Rodger and Roger do not speak anymore since the incident with the brick so it should be a lively discussion. Rodger will also be playing Pink Floyd's greatest hits - on the accordian. This should be a great show and appeal to people who love or hate Roger Waters.

Be sure to listen to What The? for the official announcement of the tour dates.